SAFETY VS. PRIVACY IN CARE TECH
You want to keep your loved one safe. You also want to respect their privacy. And somewhere in the middle of those two desires, you're standing confused, wondering if you're supposed to choose one or if there's some magical way to have both.
Here's what nobody tells you: sometimes, you can't. And that's okay. Every decision we make, in caregiving and in life, has consequences. Some good, some not, and some? Well, they are somewhere in between, but the decisions still have to be made.
This isn't a failure on your part. It's not because you're not trying hard enough or because you haven't found the "right" tool yet. It's because safety and privacy sometimes work against each other. That's the reality, and acknowledging it is actually the first step toward making peace with your decision.
I've talked to hundreds of caregivers about this tension. Some of them have installed fall detection devices that track their parent’s location 24/7—trading privacy for the peace of mind that comes with immediate alerts. Some have decided that constant monitoring would damage their relationship with their loved one, so they've chosen privacy and found other ways to create safety. Some are still figuring it out, and that's completely valid, too. For my mom and me, we tried different things at different times, though the technology available at the time was not always accessible to her, or she struggled to use it well. It was frustrating to try to keep her as independent as possible while also keeping her safe. All that to say, I get it.
There's no universally "right" answer. But there is a right answer for your situation—and it comes from understanding the tradeoff, having honest conversations, and making a choice you can stand behind with compassion for yourself.
In this post, we're going to walk through the real tension between safety and privacy in care tech. We're going to look at specific scenarios where caregivers have to choose. We're going to talk about how to make a decision that honors both your love for your loved one and your own peace of mind. And we're going to do it without judgment, because caregiving is hard enough without someone telling you that you're choosing wrong.
The Myth: Perfect Privacy + Perfect Safety
You've probably heard it before—from a marketing email, a product review, or even a well-meaning friend: "This tool keeps your loved one safe and don’t worry, we respect your privacy!"
It sounds perfect. It sounds like exactly what you need. And it sounds impossible because, deep down, you probably already know it is.
Why do companies make it sound so simple? Spoiler alert: They want to sell you something, so they promise you can have it all. And as caregivers, we want to believe the myth that we can have it all because the reality feels too hard—like we're forced to sacrifice something we care about no matter what we choose. This was a struggle for me. I was either where my mom needed me or where my kids needed me, but it never felt right. Every “yes” to one person or task or responsibility meant “no” to another. I wanted to keep everyone safe and believed I could make the “right” choices.
But the truth is gentler than that myth, even if it's more complicated.
Safety and privacy can coexist in many situations. You can have a tool that's both reasonably secure and reasonably private. But "perfect" safety and "perfect" privacy working together in every scenario? That's the fantasy. To be safe, we all have to give up some privacy. Even think about something as benign as neighborhood watch programs. Yes, your neighbors are keeping an eye out, and you are too. That is great, but that lowers the privacy threshold a bit. Worth it? Probably, but it is a tradeoff nonetheless. After 9/11, we made compromises in our privacy as a country in order to feel safer, to be safer. To this day, there is debate among some circles about the consequences of these compromises.
So this is everywhere, the tension between safety and privacy. And caregiving is no different. Here's a concrete example of where this tension shows up:
Your mom has a high risk of falling. You install a device that detects falls and alerts you immediately. That is a good safefy measure. If she falls, you know within seconds. But for that device to work, it needs to know where she is in her home. Some versions also track her location outside the home. That's the privacy cost. You're trading her ability to move through her day privately for the ability to respond to a real emergency.
Is that a bad tradeoff? Not necessarily. But it is a tradeoff. Your mom is no longer completely private in her movements. You have visibility into her location and her activities. The question isn't "Is there a way to have both perfect safety and perfect privacy?" The question is "Is this particular tradeoff worth it for our situation?"
Here is another example: Your dad has memory loss, and his doctor wants to monitor his vital signs, heart rate, blood pressure, and sleep patterns, so they can catch early warning signs of decline. The monitoring app sends this data to a secure server so the doctor can access it. This is really helpful for the doctor’s ability to detect changes in time for early intervention. But his health data is now stored on servers you don't control, accessible to people you don't know. That's the privacy cost. Side note, all of our medical data is stored in this way, and while there are safeguards in place to keep only authorized personnel able to access the data and privacy measures, such as HIPAA, “privacy” is a relative term here, as it is available to many people.
Again, is it a bad tradeoff? It depends on your situation, your dad's comfort level, and your trust in the system. But pretending there's no privacy cost? That's the myth talking.
The reason I'm being so clear about this is that I've watched caregivers agonize over choices that felt impossible—not because the choice was actually impossible, but because they were looking for a perfect solution that doesn't exist. Once they let go of "perfect," they could actually decide.
So let's reframe this: You're not looking for perfect safety and perfect privacy. You're looking for good enough safety and good enough privacy that works for your unique situation. And that's absolutely within reach.
When Safety Requires Giving Up Privacy
I know what it is like to have to make the decision between privacy and safety for your loved one. In my case, it was about my mother’s sense of independence and her fear of nursing homes more than anything, but part of that was giving up her privacy. Her privacy was eroded in so many ways, and it was hard for her not to feel like her dignity was eroding too. Wearing a necklace to call EMS when she fell, only for helpful strangers (firemen) to come in and find her unclothed on the floor. Needing help with bathing, toileting, even when it was just another family member or me, was a difficult thing for her to give up. More privacy had been taken away. By necessity? Yes. But it was hard, at first. That said, whether it was adding people to her care team or eventually placing her into 24/7 care, another layer of privacy and independence had to be removed in order to keep her safe. I was blessed that she was able to help me make those decisions, though I know many caregivers have to make them on their own because their loved one cannot.
I share how I made those decisions with my mom in my book, but I wanted to walk you through some other scenarios and offer suggestions to consider. (Remember, I make suggestions, you make decisions!)
Scenario 1: Fall Detection and Location Tracking
The safety benefit: Your parent lives alone and is at high risk of falling. Immediate alerts could be lifesaving.
The privacy cost: You know their location at all times. They lose unobserved movement.
The caregiver's dilemma: How much independence can you let go of for peace of mind?
How to decide: What's the real risk? What's anxiety? Does/Would your loved one agree that this tradeoff is worth it
Scenario 2: Health Monitoring and Data Sharing
The safety benefit: The doctor sees real-time health data. Early detection of problems.
The privacy cost: Health information leaves your home and goes to external platforms.
The caregiver's dilemma: Is the medical benefit worth the data exposure?
How to decide: Ask the doctor if monitoring is truly necessary and what he expects to be able to do with it, specifically for your loved one. Ask the company where data goes and how it's protected.
Scenario 3: AI Assistants and Conversation Recording
The safety benefit: AI provides immediate support and can detect emergencies.
The privacy cost: Conversations may be recorded, analyzed, and stored.
The caregiver's dilemma: Does the support justify the surveillance?
How to decide: What does your loved one actually need? Would they want to use this? What happens to the recordings?
Note: We will continue to discuss this on our blog. You can also check out this post.
When Privacy Matters More Than Perfect Safety
Here's what I hear less often, but I hear it: some caregivers have decided that constant monitoring would damage their relationship with their loved one more than it would protect them. They've chosen privacy and accepted a different kind of risk.
This is a valid choice. Your loved one's right to privacy and autonomy matters. It matters for their dignity. It matters for your relationship.
When monitoring feels like control instead of care, it can create resentment. And resentment has its own risks. Someone who feels controlled may stop cooperating with safety measures. Someone who feels like you are treating them like a child may become more isolated. Someone who feels watched may experience anxiety instead of peace.
Real talk: You can't force someone to use a tool they resent. And if the emotional cost of surveillance outweighs the safety benefit, you're creating a different kind of harm.
Sometimes, the most caring thing a caregiver can do is respect their loved one's privacy, even if it means accepting a higher degree of risk.
How to Make an Informed Trade-Off Decision
Step 1: Identify What You're Actually Worried About
Get specific about the safety risk. What exactly are you afraid will happen? How likely is it? Separate real risk from anxiety. Sometimes we worry about worst-case scenarios that are statistically unlikely. That's normal! Caregiving comes with a lot of valid fears. But it's worth distinguishing between "this is a real, probable risk" and "this is something that could happen."
Be honest with yourself: Are you seeking safety, or are you seeking control? These feel similar, but they're different. Safety is about protecting your loved one. Control is about reducing your own anxiety. Both are understandable, but they lead to different decisions.
Step 2: Understand What You're Giving Up
What specific information would be shared or exposed? Who would have access to it? How would they use it? Think worst-case: Could this information be misused? Could it be hacked? Could it be sold? Could it be used against your loved one? (This is actually something that many companies do all the time. They think of the “nightmare scenario” and then try to fix issues ahead of time as a means of risk management.)
And practically: Can you reverse this decision if you change your mind? Can you delete the data? Can you opt out?
Step 3: Ask the Hard Questions
For the company:
Where exactly does my data go?
Who can see this information?
How is it protected?
What happens if the company gets hacked?
Can I export my data?
Can I delete everything and opt out?
For yourself:
Is the safety benefit real and probable, or am I seeking reassurance?
Is this tradeoff something I can live with long-term?
Would my loved one want this if they knew all the details?
For your loved one (if possible):
How would you feel about this?
Do you understand what information would be shared?
Would this make you feel safer or controlled?
Do you want this?
Step 4: Make the Decision and Check In
You don't have to get this perfect. This isn't a permanent, irreversible decision. You're making the best choice you can with the information you have right now. If you try something and it doesn't feel right, if the tool creates more anxiety than it relieves, if your loved one resents it, if something feels off, you can stop using it. You can change your mind. Revisit the decision periodically: Is this still the right tradeoff? Has the situation changed? Are there other options that might work better?
Building Trust Through Informed Choices
Here's what I've learned over the last several decades of caregiving. The caregivers who feel most at peace with their decisions, even when those decisions are hard, are the ones who made them with full information and honest conversations. Personally, this made me feel confident, even though I knew it wasn’t a “perfect” choice. Understanding the tradeoff helps you make decisions you can live with. You're not pretending there's a perfect solution. You're not agonizing over an impossible choice. You're acknowledging the reality and choosing consciously. Transparency matters. It matters with companies—knowing where your data goes and how it's protected. And it matters with your loved one—being honest about what you're monitoring and why. And honestly, my mom appreciated my being open about my decision-making process. When she knew I had struggled over it, researched, and made an informed choice, she gave me more grace and more readily accepted the decision. That kind of transparency, paradoxically, actually builds trust rather than destroys it.
Your role as an advocate is sacred work. You're making informed decisions on behalf of someone you love, balancing safety, dignity, and autonomy. That's hard. That's important. And it deserves to be done thoughtfully.
Your Safety & Privacy Takeaways
Safety and privacy sometimes conflict—and that's not a problem to solve, it's a reality to understand. Stop looking for the perfect solution. Make a decision that works for your life.
You get to decide what tradeoff is acceptable. No universal right answer. What matters is that you stand behind your choice.
Your loved one's dignity matters as much as safety. Sometimes, the most caring thing is respecting their privacy, even if it means accepting different risks.
You can always change your mind. If something doesn't feel right, adjust. Your decision can evolve.
Informed decisions are better than perfect decisions. You don't need to understand every technical detail. You need to know what you're giving up and what you're getting.
You are good enough!
What's Next?
Does your organization need this conversation with your caregivers or employees? Do you have a group of friends that you’d like to share this with in a private workshop? Care Tech 101 workshops facilitate exactly this kind of nuanced discussion. Let's talk about bringing this to your group.
